So my girlfriend Judy and I got in early yesterday afternoon. We went straight to the Dolby Theatre to pick up my credentials for the Red Carpet. Not even in town 10 minutes and lo and behold I ride down 3 floors in an elevator with none other than Robin Roberts!! Even her near baldness does not hide her beauty or unbeatable spirit! Since she is still ill, I wouldn't have DARED asked for a photograph (if she was perfectly well all bets would be off) but there wouldn't have been an opportunity anyway since her handler noticed me going for my phone and cut me to the quick with an upraised hand and a curt "NO PICTURES." I told her I didn't intend to take one, and welcomed Robin back. She thanked me politely and left the elevator and I was awe-struck. And I still am.
We hit the town for dinner and Margaritas and the first stop was a restaurant owned by "Real Housewife of Beverly Hills" Lisa Vanderpump. It was a GORGEOUS little place called "Villa Blanca" in the heart of Beverly Hills. The concierge recommended the restaurant as a "hotspot" for celebs. The only celeb we saw was a CeeLo Green look-a-like. Disappointed and fat we limped back to the hotel and plotted our entire next day. We would hit Rodeo Drive. Certainly the actresses would be getting their dresses fitted and make-up applied in every other store! No chance. Didn't see a one... We decided to hit the Red Carpet again, hoping to get another glimpse of Robin Roberts or perhaps Mario Lopez or Ryan Seacrest. Those 2 are always popping up at some award show or another...I think they covered the nose-hair awards last week.
We didn't even get to see THEM! We made a quick pit stop for a restroom break inside the Loew's Hotel, next to the Red Carpet and the Dolby Theatre. I literally took a 2 MINUTE BATHROOM BREAK and when I came out my friend Judy was grinning like Lindsey Lohan with a 6-pack and waving her cell phone around. She had run into AL ROKER and had gotten her PICTURE TAKEN WITH HIM!! I was livid! 2 minutes. And she manages to snag Al Roker. I am a loser!
Later in the day we decided to hit a Beverly Hills salon that we heard Oprah like to frequent when she is in town. It's called "Anastasia's" and they specialize in eyebrows. Judy had scheduled an appointment, kinda on a whim and a dare from me, and we decided to nose around in the spa to see if Oprah or any of her minions were about. Every woman working in the salon had eyebrows that looked like they came straight off of an angel's face. They were gorgeous! We decided to see if their skilled workers could tame our unruly facial hair! After all, when would we EVER get the chance to say that Oprah's eyebrow girl was OUR eyebrow girl?? Well, we quickly learned that all that glitters is NOT Oprah's magic fairy glitter gold. After an hour in the chair, being plucked and sculpted, we were charged $126 for what amounted to the plucking of 2 hairs and the application of brown powder over a stencil. That's it. For $126 I wanted Oprah Winfrey to run out of the waxing room shouting "YOU get new eyebrows and YOU get new eyebrows!!" Instead, I got itchy red bumps and a set of eyebrows that could double as Faye Dunaway's.
We decided to forgo lunch, as our eyebrows were grotesquely lumpy from the pluckings, and walk back to our hotel. On the way, we passed the Villa Blanca again and noticed Lisa Vanderpump herself sitting outside eating with her husband at her own restaurant. Since we were disfigured, hideous beasts we decided against asking for an autograph or a pictures. Best not to frighten the locals.
We tried unsuccessfully to gain (unlawful) entry to the Beverly Hills Hotel where the annual private pre-party of producer Jeff Katzenburg takes place. (Try saying THAT sentence 3 times fast) And for the 3rd year in a row, we were denied. We decided to lick our wounds and bandage the remainder of our pride over a tender steak at BOA Steakhouse on Sunset Boulevard. It has a reputation as being a hotspot and hangout for the stars, and at the very least we could drown our sorrows in a Porterhouse. Once again, denied.
The cheapest thing on the menu was a $15 martini. Everything went up in exponential amounts after that. I got an appetizer ($40 for a goat cheese Baklava) and Judy got steak tartar, which I learned tonight is raw steak which slightly resembles a Gainesburger. (I cut her a break, since she ain't from around these parts)
Our only brush with fame tonight was the fact that we were seated next to famous songwriter Diane Warren. If you aren't a music geek like me, you probably won't know who she is. She wrote such memorable classics as "How Do I Live" that both LeAnn Rimes and Trisha Yearwood recorded and "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" for Aerosmith. She's also written songs for Elton John, Tina Turner, Barbra Streisand, Aretha Franklin, Reba, Faith Hill, and dozens more.
We introduced ourselves to her and told her we liked her music and she was genuinely touched! She said, "I NEVER get recognized! Thank you for making my night!" So the bad news is that we have met almost no one. The good news is that of the "almost no one" group that we DID meet, we made somebody's day.
Tomorrow morning I will head to the Dolby Theatre at 8 a.m. I will be bound and tied and girdled and Spanx-ed up into a frilly pink dress and a pair of uncomfortable shoes and I will pray on my way that I get to, AT THE VERY LEAST, rub elbows with someone from E! or Bravo or maybe even "Dimple Smurf" himself Ryan Seacrest.
If I do, I will be ecstatic! If I don't, I will at least know that I tried. I tried like hell. I will go down swinging. With REALLY thin eyebrows...
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